Bittersweet Sadness, and What Beck Found There

This won’t be a long post. Not that many of my posts are the Spaceball One.

It’s been a hard year for everyone. It’s almost over. I’ll write more about that on New Year’s Eve, I think, but I wanted to record this.

Last night when I was walking my dog (she came to live with us back in March), I saw little lights on the ground.

You may or may not have seen these contraptions that are holiday-themed, and they scatter little light shows on the sidewalk or a wall, little ghosts and bats on Halloween, hearts on VD, etc.

As I trudged along, cold and in the dark, ruminating on all my failures as I’m wont to do, sirens and shouting all around (thanks Philly!), I looked down and there were little snowflakes dancing on the ground. And it made me suddenly and shockingly happy, just for a second.

It might sound stupid, but that was how I felt. I remembered what it felt like to think there was magic in the world, and joy, and softness. And as the feeling slipped away from me, I got very sad. I missed the feeling. I hadn’t really realized how long it had been since I’d felt it. I wanted it back, but I couldn’t find it again; I could only remember it.

I walked home in grief. But I also tried to look inside me for hope, that if I could feel that way just looking at a couple of snowflake-shaped lights on the ground, maybe I could find it again in other ways.

I’m still not sure, but I’m going to hold on to that. I’m tired of grieving.


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